With Jayne and David’s help, I’ve been putting stuff back in the loft. There is still a lot of unused storage space. Tools are neatly bagged up in the loft, camping & travel gear is in a neat place of its own, I’ve been able to start to rearrange clothing storage and books will fit on the argos wardrobe.

I’ve had a chance to oxfam or dump a reasonable amount of stuff and I’m sure more will go as I sort through books and clothing. So I have achieved quite a lot and there is the prospect of achieving more and getting more stuff out of the living room.

Many thanks to Will for helping me put the wood in the loft and cut it to fit. All faults in the work are mine!

The only fly in the ointment is I missed speaking with Julia – she’d left early for college and numb-nuts Bruce had left iCHat signalling that I was still at work.

Well, I’m clever. I got to sleep at at 7.30 this morning. My eyes feel gritty and I’m likely to be very impatient with the world. Tea … tea … I must have tea

pub was too noisy to even attempt a serious conversation. No mention of presents. Jane Ann won’t be at pub lunch tomorrow and I don’t feel like telling them individually. Tried to invite P&J back here but Pete too knackered and I didn’t want to beg. So do I tell them after Gavin, Lisa et al or do I just not bother with the pub tomorrow lunch? I want to clean and tidy here but not have a timetable. (e.g. must wake at X, at 2 pm must go to pub, at 4pm must meet Adriani, must get home from them in time to see Celia) Need to unwind else I’ll never make it through next week and god I need to survive until payday so I can afford to go away somewhere and cry.

Take the quiz: “Which Random Irish Gaelic Phrase Are You? ”

Ta me air meisce
Ta me air meisce – ‘I am drunk.’You enjoy a drink – or five – now and then. You can usually be found in a pub – it doesn’t matter which one, because they all look the same after a few drinks – or hugging the porcelain.

I planned to tell folk in this order:

1. Pete and Jane tonight but Jane’s away till silly o’clock this evening
2. Elly (cos Heather already knows and it seems wrong to treat them unequally)
3. Angela and Mark (Angela introduced me to IM which got me together with you in the first place. They, along with Elly, Heather and Richard are my oldest friends)
4. parents
5. those who need to know at work

Also, I feel kinda bad at demanding back the overtime from the Past Papers considering I’ve just cost GL a load of money. I have 15 regular days of holiday left and want to see the PP project through, then go somewhere and do the necessary crying, so I can get it over with and start to try to reconstruct my life.

Part of this will involve trying to sort with J how I need to interact with her from now on. She is a nice person and there are so many parts of her that are worthwhile and and delightful to interact with but I need to convince myself not to want a return to the ‘good old days’, while still seeing her as a special friend?

Update: 10.44pm: just spoken with Elly, so plan not too badly off-kilter now.

1. huge thanks to Jayne and David for helping me get the wood (which will soon floor some of my loft) home last night.
2. it’s been an interesting day
   • The new proofs of the stuffed maths answers weren’t ready first thing this morning (which had been promised)
   • Some chasing got them to appear
   • I checked them and signed them off
   • Then arrived two other proofs ready for sign-off, so I checked them and signed them off.
   • But they arrived with a proof of a book which should not yet have reached that stage – we’d had to stop it because of a © problem
   • so phonecalls ‘er, if we have to reprint this section, this is at printer’s cost, cos we told you not to print it yet’
   • Then our secretary calls up – she took someone to Dundee and then had a puncture – can my colleague go rescue her
   • so he did, and reapperared 3 hours later, cos they’d had to get her new tyre fitted to the wheel, take this back to the car, get the car unimpounded, fit the wheel and then get home
   • meanwhile phones were going crazy!

Then got parcels from Lady Ja nd had to deal with her embarrassment at who she is. But she has FUCK-ALL to be embarrassed about. We all have our faults and hers are mearely the impetuosity of youth, and are far outweighed by her central concern (almost to a fault) for others!

Right, time to go plank my loft!

On top of all that’s happened

1. the answers to Higher Maths Past Papers contain only 2002 to 2004 but the book also has 2001’s exams
2. the cover says ‘2000 to 2004’

I signed off the answers and the person who signed off the cover reports to me.

We can reprint the answers but we can’t reprint the book.

This is the worst possible mistake in my professional life – a complete reprint of something for which I am responsible.

Many thanks to Jayne and David for helping move the wood and showing me that life goes on.

Heather took me to a club. It was a real eye-opener. I think I understand her better now and I think I understand myself better too. I’ll write more about it later but for now, Heather: THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Is there no end to my clumsiness or at least lack of thought? Whatever I do as ‘natural Bruce’ hurts Julia. OK, I could say it’s none of her business but by telling her, I make it part of her business and she can’t help but have feelings. So I could either not do something or do it and lie. Of course, I do it and tell her…

… and she is horrified and numbed, right in the middle of a college crisis.

And to cap it all, one of the leading components of my tension is that I haven’t been able to talk with Julia properly, so I go out and do something that makes her have more feelings and makes me tired so I have even less time and ability to communicate!

For the first time in ages, last night I drank a beer. This took 2 attempts:

1. Pete bought me a Thrappledouser but the barmaid then pulled another pint of it, was told it was off and then came to check on mine. It tasted OK to me but Pete vetoed it.
2. The Thrappleshagger was replaced by a St Andrews Ale. A bit insipid but it felt like beer.

Of course, my body punished me by waking up at 6·30. This was after Julia had phoned at 1·30. I’m truly non compos mentis right now