Be very proud to be British because…

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Only in Britain… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain… do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain… do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain… do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain… do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have ‘call waiting’ so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain… are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

9 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolates.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker-pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

8 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

AND FINALLY
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet

With a lot of help from the wonderful Ms Curteis…

The bedroom is complete apart from buying the new mattress, duvets and sheets and buying, then clipping into place the TV cable (along with the phone cable).

The bathroom is complete apart from buying and hanging the shower curtain and either removing the old sealant and putting new sealant in its place or finding a way of removing the stubborn mould from the old sealant. I’d prefer the latter since removing sealant is a pain and putting new sealant in its place will be a right pain due to the large gap between the tiles and the bath. My dad recommends Cillit Bang and Sandra Skeldon recommends Dettox.

I fear Cillit Bang will attack the bath as well as the mould and being more environmentally unfriendly than sniffing my armpit.

We’ve also touched up the hall, including repainting all the doors and their surrounds.

Tomorrow (er, later today) I’ll venture forth to try to buy lots of stuff and take the first loads to be recycled.

Meanwhile I get to sleep in my bed, in my bedroom!

woke around 11 am after getting to sleep after 2am.

Finally dragged my carcase out around 1pm, carrying a rucsac containing my recycling, the TV cable so I could by the correct cable clips, a 10m ethernet cable that had hitched a ride and some oddments of medication that had leapt from my medicine cabinet into the rucsac.

The recycling centre in Argyle Street carpart had vanished but the one at the union was open. I dumped off paper, plastic, metal and random ancient bedsheets.

The ironmongers was closed so I meandered on to the hardware/DIY store. They didn’t have edging strip (and I’d forgotten to bring the sample anyway) but I bought:

• 15 metres of co-axial TV cable (£6)
• 2 white shower curtains (£15·99 each)
• 2 tubes of bathroom silicone sealant (£6.99 each)
• 2 packs of cable clips (£0·99 each)
• rubber gloves (£2·49)
• mould remover (£3·99)
• superglue (£2.49)
• 3m tape-measure (£2·49)
• a cheap hammer (£4·99)

I wish I’d kept my tools here!

Next to Woolworths & Ponden Mill to price up up bedding. I ended up buying 2 pillows for £5.

(In the middle of all this, my brother called to remind me that we hadn’t got anything for my dad’s birthday tomorrow. That was sorted when I got home. No details yet except a public thank-you to Emily at Misco for friendly and efficient service.)

What’s next?

• clean the mould from the bath seal.
• if that fails, cut the old sealant away, use nasty chemical guck to remove the remnants, then re-seal.
• reinstall the shampoo rack
• install the shower curtain
• seal the kitchen units to the walls (I used the guck to get rid of the old sealant yesterday evening.)
• clean the kitchen cupboards
• put the crockery and cooking gear back in the kitchen, creating an inventory as I go.

I feel another late night coming on!

According to Ponden Mill, the standard UK bed sizes are
Single: 3′ x 6′ 3” (36” x 75”)
Double: 4′ 6” x 6′ 3” (54” x 75”)
King Size: 5′ x 6′ 6” (60” x 78”)
(‘ = feet, ” = inches)

My bed is 4′ x 5’ 10” (48” x 70”). Is this a queen size? No wonder I never got standard size bedding to fit!

I’ve repainted the Mystic Mauve (light blue!) bedroom walls completely. There wasn’t enough Green Parrot to even begin to cover the other two walls, so I just rotuched the parts where a TV cable had gouged paint off the wall.

I realised I didn’t have a hope of replacing the connector on the TV cable that goes from the lounge to the bedroom so I decided to replace it. Removing the old one destroyed 4 of the cable-clips that held it in place, so more will be needed, along with a 15-metre TV cable so tenants can place a TV almost anywhere in the bedroom.

I wonder if DIY stores will be open tomorrow. Meanwhile time to eat, put some furniture back in the bedroom and then attack the mank on the nathroom walls and ceiling. Uurrgghh…..

I footered about before tackling the bathroom because I knew it would be the mankiest part of the whole proceeding. The lounge and kitchen will take longer but they’re nowhere near as manky.

I started by trying to clean away the layer of brown/black mould on the ceiling. Uurrggghh! Some of this mank doesn’t shift, even when attacked with sugar soap and bathroom cleaner. I think I’ll let it dry tonight and then paint over it.

I then washed the painted walls, the sink and toilet and took a break before starting on the shower/bath area. First thing was to dismantle the shampoo stand so I could later clean behind it. Then I took down the shower curtain rail, dismantled it and cleaned the components. The utter worst was balancing on the edge of the bath, clean the grouting between the tiles above the bath. I don’t think the mank nestling in the angle between the wall and top of the bath will shift, so that’s going to be covered with opaque filler/sealer.

Tomorrow I’ll need to paint the ceiling, the windowsill and retouch the walls where paint has flaked away. I also need to buy a new shower curtain because the old one is ripped and manky past redemption.

I think that’s enough for today!

Bedroom floor is swept.
Bedroom walls have been washed with sugar soap, rinsed and are now drying.
Bedroom floor has been mopped and is now drying.

From what I can see, one of the walls I feared needed repainting doesn’t. However I was too energetic in a few spots and so some bits will need touched up. I’ll make a final judgement in daylight tomorrow.

Meanwhile time to curl up with Inspector Rebus and the Pismo, working out how much I’ve spent on what this year.

This is what I have to do to get Mycelium Mansion rented out:

• tell my bank to refund money they owe me and set up a savings account for the majority of my redundancy payment
• clean bedroom & repaint at least 1 wall
• clean bathroom & retouch paintwork where damp has hassled it
• get new shower curtain
• clean lounge & retouch paintwork where I’ve hassled it
• clean kitchen & retouch paintwork where I’ve hassled it
• clean hall & retouch paintwork where loft ladder has hassled it
• replace lounge curtains
• clean and hem kitchen curtains
• give stuff back to to folk I’ve borrowed it from
• sort my paperwork. I have a huge filing box full of bank statements, etc. It’s all filed by type but there’s a lot of out-of-date stuff and the types could be grouped much better.
• check loft
• find a tenant or get a letting agency to do so
• deal with any effects of the flat being let on the mortgage, buildings insurance and my relationship with the housing association who own the rest of the building
• sort contents insurance because most of my stuff is at my parents and the rest will be in the care of a tenant
• create an inventory

So far I’ve just about emptied the bedroom – only the TV and two chests of drawers to go, then I’m going to the pub for lunch.