The only way to describe the contents of a C*d*u*y’s C*e*e E*g

Today I suggested jokingly to Granada Learning’s head of business projects that he might want to shoot me because I didn’t have a piece of info to hand. (I was waiting for a reply from one of our authors.) He said he’d do it quickly and painlessly and give me the choice of when. So the timetable is:

1. 04/03/06 Bruce is shot
2. 05/03/06 hence Bruce avoids becoming 40
3. 06/03/06 my autobiography comes out, with sales boosted by the recent tragic event

Proceeds to?

well, at least an apology:

Dear Dr Ryan,

Thank you for your recent email. Please accept my apologies for the confusion caused by your present invoice. The invoice is printed on the first of each month and sent on approximately the 15th. You have paid over the phone by card for the amount of £65.66 on 01/02/05 and also £43.22 on 11/02/05. The £65.66 has been received (dated 04/02/05) however the £43.22 is still being processed. Therefore your invoice is correct, however only at the time of printing on 01/02/05. Once your payment of £43.22 is received you will only owe the total new charges on the invoice which is £53.90 as you indeed state.

Yours Sincerely

XXXX XXXXXXXXX

For and on Behalf of

XXXXXXX UK LTD

go here

I was paid this morning so called my phone service provider to pay the £53·90 for the most recent billing period.

Well I was on hold for 5 minutes before the provider answered. The agent used a frosty tone of voice (at least that’s how I perceived it) but told me that the amount will be charged to my account within 10 working days. (However, the agent did admit that their systems were glitchy so this couldn’t be utterly guaranteed.)

Time to change provider?

POOR WHITE WORKING CLASS AFRIKANER TRAILER TRASH

(see Triomph in the Internet Movie Database)

Today is surely one of the low points of this year.

• two maths books have been found to have serious errors, probably thanks to our repro house not getting on with PageMaker
• something I understood someone else to be doing hasn’t been done and somehow I look bad for this – because I I didn’t chase it up
• a science book has been printed with a factually correct but inappropriately-worded cover
• bad feeling growing between two of my colleagues
• When phoning my warehouse colleagues to tell them not to dispatch any of the science book I was two seconds away from tears…

and to cap it all, I’m meant to be designing a poster for a fairtrade event and I’m totally out of ideas

Domestic situation is getting much better but I still don’t want to go back to work tomorrow

The pavement around some flats near the West Port is being relaid and a temporary pedestrian route has been created with metal barriers. It’s only just wide enough for normal pedestrians. At the Community Council planning committee meeting, I insisted we make a noise about it.

The planning convenor suggested I email a draft complaint, via the secretary, to the rest of CC and ask their approval to send it to Fife Council. The secretary metaphorically slapped me round the face with a wet fish and told me to just tidy my email and send it straight to the local Fife Council official and local FIfe Councillor, CCing to the Chair of CC and the press.

Here’s the Courier article.

My phone service providers annoyed me by sending an inaccurate bill. Here’s my response

Dear (name withheld for fear of being sued for libel)

I have just received your bill dated 03 February 2005, billing account UW24800566AAAAA. I tried to phone you this evening to sort this out but was cut off by your call-waiting system.

Since today is 18th February 2005, this bill has obviously been posted just under 2 weeks after it was generated.

This bill mentions “charges for previous period £108·88”. This would frighten a gullible person into paying much more than they owe. Fortunately for me, I keep accurate records.

• £43·22 of this bill is from a bill dated 03 December 2004 (due to be paid on 29th December 2004). I did not receive this bill until I arrived home after Christmas. The day I did so, I phoned you and gave your operator my switch card details. Your operator accepted these and told me the amount would soon be charged to that account. This was 7th January 2005.
• I noticed a while later that this had not been charged and again phone you to pay by switch. This was around 17th January. Again I was told that the amount would be charged to my account within 10 days. This did not happen.
• Some time later, I received a bill dated 05 January 2005, payable on 28th January 2005. This bill mentioned that I still owed you £43·22 from previous bills. Since I saw this as your problem – I had twice tried to pay by switch and my details had been accepted both times – on 1st February I paid the £65·66 from that billing period. Your operator, Alex, accepted the switch details (the same account as used previously) and £65·66 was charged to that account within a reasonable time.
• This still left the matter of the “outstanding”; £43·22. Since I do not like owing money, on 11th February, I phoned you and spoke to your operator Paul. I gave him the details of another switch account. Again, he accepted these details! Again the amount has not been charged.

So now we turn to the current bill. You are trying to charge me for £43·22 which I do owe you but have tried to pay three times. Also you are trying to charge me £65·66 which I have already paid.

Don’t waste time writing apologies. Instead, here is what you are to do:

• First, charge £43·22 to account XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX XXX, sort code XX-XX-XX, expiry date XX/XX, issue X.
• Next, issue a bill for the 01 January 2005 to 31 January 2005 billing period only. This will be £53·90, inclusive of VAT. This bill will also show that all previous periods have been paid off.
• Next, I will contact on the first weekday after receiving the correct bill to pay this, again by switch. However you must wait for me to contact you to know which account to charge.

To conclude, you send out bills which are late and incorrect and your phone system does not work.

Yours sincerely

Dr Bruce M Ryan

JJ was much less subtle…

~myceliumme~

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