Why I’m proud to be australian


When Mood Music
2004-10-03 18:20:00 listless Roy Harper ‘Hor d’Oeuvres’ from ‘Stormcock’

From Private Eye (issue 1116), who quoted a piece in the Sydney Daily Telegraph of 8·7·07

“We’re all used to the ABC wasting taxpayer’s money but this is outrageous,” a spokesman for Australia’s Federal Government told reporters in Canberra, “and more than that, it’s thoroughly distasteful. A few weeks ago, our national broadcaster was pleading poverty as an excuse for axing their children’s news programme. Yet now it seems they have enough money to pay a scientist to teach kids how to break wind more effectively.”

Despite government protests, Dr Karl Kruszelnicki defended his research which is being broadcast by the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. “The average fart is a joyous event,” he informed the audience of his children’s science show, “yet they’re so embarrassing that we don’t even have a good word for them, just a cold technical term like ‘flatus’ or a lot of euphemisms like cutting the cheese or letting one fly. But they’re only possible at all thanks to the magnificent job that your wondrous anal sphincter performs about ten time each day without fail, releasing gas without letting any liquid or solid pass through. No other muscle in the body is such a protector of the dignity of man, yet so ready to come to his relief, and I doubt whether any device made by the human race could equal this task, let alone keep doing it for seventy years. It’s a miracle.”

Dr Kruszelnicki has particularly angered ministers by encouraging children to take part in his “Great Fart Survey, and Great Baked Beans Fart Experiment. We want to know what are the farts of Australia’s kids really like? Are we a nation of ‘silent but deadlies’, or ‘machine gunners’? And how much do baked beans really increase your farting ability?”

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