• 434 mostly nautical miles: https://cyclemeter.com/3432aa395de1d505/Cycle-20220819-1359-00952
• 8·2 miles by train and shank’s pony: https://cyclemeter.com/3432aa395de1d505/Cycle-20220820-1437-42245

We arrived in Oslo about 10am, and were met by an old friend who is doing post-doctoral work in Oslo. She had been adamant that we would stay with her rather than in a hotel: she’d deliberately rented a house with guest-space when she arrived in Oslo in 2019, but then wegen des Coronas no-one could visit her. It was lovely to have time with our friend and her guidance around town was top-hole.

Our friend took us through central Oslo, past the town-hall, to the national museum T-bane station (‘tunnel-train’ = ‘underground’, even though most of it is above ground), and then by train to her house in an uphill suburb in northwestern Oslo. After dumping our gear and catching up a bit – it’s been over 3 years since we last saw each other face-to-face – we went in search of the national ski museum, because we are in Norway and therefore north of the arctic circle. We found the municipal ski-jump – also used for the olympics, apparently – and people riding an aerial runway down it, but not the museum. I suspect its exhibits are so old that they and the building have crumbled to dust.

We took the T-bane to the final stop on this line (Frognerseteren). Apparently this area was the summer pasture for the Frogner area in central-ish Oslo. We couldn’t see any animals grazing but found a lovely and popular restaurant selling (among many other nice things) vegan cake. Even better, my blood sugar was in a state where cake was welcome.

After admiring the view and nattering for a while, we headed back to our friend’s house to cook jambalaya, eat, chat and crash out. (Our friend did most of the cooking, but I chopped vegetables and Elly was skivvy.)

No cycling but lots of walking, and a few buses.

Our first port of call, according to my photos, was to Swedenkai. This is on the west side of Kielförde (Kiel fjord), and Norwegenkai is on the east side of the Förde. Yet, last time I looked, Sweden is east of Norway.

• 2·6 miles: https://cyclemeter.com/3432aa395de1d505/Cycle-20220819-1012-07048
• cumulative cycling: 215·1 miles

So, yes, there was success! We cycled to the Hauptbahnhof, where Elly waited outside the Reisezentrum while I spoke in fractured German about our ticket needs. There were bike spaces on the train we wanted from Osnabrück to Amsterdam. So on Tuesday we will arrive in Kiel about 10am. Then we’ll take a regional train to Hamburg (1 hour 12 minutes), then an intercity train to Osnabrück (2 hours 30 minutes), then another intercity to Amsterdam (3 hours 7 minutes). So that’s 6 hours 49 minutes on Euro-bahnen, without smoking! You’ll probably hear the screams in Edinburgh. We then took a brief look at the Hiroshimapark, before heading to the ferry terminal. That was a slightly confusing ride, including a narrow bridge across the Förde.

When we got into the terminal, we were told to go to the front of the car-queue and shelter from the elements under the concrete roof next to the check-in gates, because cycles and motorbikes would be boarded first. However, the check-in person then told us that the captain had decided to to board other vehicles first. So we stood and got very cold for an hour. Our reward was being able to cycle onto the ferry.

The ship itself is crazy. Imagine a vey posh version of the shops you are forced to go through between check-in and gate at an airport, but with lifts from a colour version of Metropolis, rooms that are the same size as a budget hotel but as posh as a 5-star, all piled onto a ship as big as a major oil tanker, with superstructure so high you could bungee-jump from the bridge.

As we set off, we watched progress from the forward observation-lounge. We were tempted on deck for cigarettes (well I was) and to watch as we passed under the Nyborg-Halsskov (‘Great Belt’) bridge. It’s truly magnificent, but I doubt my photos do it justice. By then, my blood-sugar was calling out for pizza. In addition to all the posh shops and restaurants, there was a pizza-bar selling (among other types) pizza with vegan cheese.

I think that after that we slobbed and blogged until our evening meal, a very plentiful buffet, and then crashed out. All that active travel is so tiring!

24·9 fun miles: https://cyclemeter.com/3432aa395de1d505/Cycle-20220816-1031-32307 (cumulative cycling 189·4 miles)

I seem to be getting into my stride just as we are getting towards the end of the cycling part of this holiday. My leg hardly hurts, although I still can’t do any uphill gradients over about 3% without dropping lots of gears. I feel I can do more saddle-time than I could before, and maybe could even get up the hill to Merchiston without screaming at myself for being crap.

The route today was mostly along tarmac cycle paths (again on the wrong side of the road) through multiple villages all called Kaltenkirchen, following a rail-line and listening to acorns crunching under tires, It’s still not entirely clear what surfaces can be cycled on in towns, and when the cycle-path suddenly re-appears on the other side of the road, getting to it isn’t obvious.

Lunch was at an Eis-salon in Bad Bramstedt. (We didn’t see the vampire’s bath, unfortunately.)

We got to our hotel quite early in the afternoon – so early it wasn’t yet ready – so we went to the nearby McDonald’s for cold drinks and to watch the real housewives of Neumünster-Sud smoke while their children played on a climbing frame/slide/plastic extrusion from the id of Doctor Zog. The umbrellas were also useful for sheltering from the rain for an hour or so.

Our insides thus hydrated and our outsides no longer in danger of externally applied hydration, we bumbled into the centre of Neumünster. It’s quite pretty, but alive and modern, with lots of people wondering about but none of the seediness I associate with bigger cities’ centres. Perhaps there should be a Gesetz: cities must be this size!

By the time we had wandered around the Teich in the centre of Neumünster, it was time to bimble back to the hotel, shower and change. (I’m still wearing the kilt.) Our 9-euro train tickets were valid on local buses, helping us head back into the town centre for dinner at Burgergallerie, watching people, Polizei and other fauna interacting. And yay, there were vegan burgers ad Fritz-Kola, so I may not sleep tonight.

• 69 miles by train
• 18·5 miles by bike: https://cyclemeter.com/3432aa395de1d505/Cycle-20220815-1328-84157 (cumulative cycling 164·5 miles)

The station square in Bremen wasn’t as noisy as last night. Occasional breaking of glass (possibly bottles) but few crowds. Bremen Hauptbahnhof was busy, with lifts that only just take bikes – and still people trying to cram themselves in when the lifts are clearly full.

We aimed to take the 10:33 ‘Regional’ (RE) train to Hamburg but that was horribly delayed, so we took a 10:58 ‘Metronom’ (ME) train. The main difference between the two that I can see is that MEs are painted pus-yellow on the outside. In one or two carriages there are ground floors with about 14 bike spaces. I guess that’s normally enough but with two or three trains’ worth of passengers it was seriously crowded. There were no openable windows, so we sweltered! I think I half-emptied my camel in only 90 minutes.

Leaving Hamburg was challenging for a moment because my phone was too hot to function – or so it told me. Even when it cooled enough to work, there was enough glare to make the screen invisible half the time. So I’m not convinced we’ve arrived in Hendstedt-Ulzburg by the most efficient route.

Actually, knowing Google Maps, we didn’t. If there is a cycle-path parallel to a road, GM will insist on the road. In Germany this may not be a bad thing because the majority of German cycle-paths (in my experience, which is obviously not a statistically significant sample) are made of lumpy brick. When there is tarmac, it has gaps filled with sand, and it’s on the left side of the road with no guarantee that if the road forks there will be a cycle path on the fork you want.

Hence I should have learnt this, or printed it on a maillot: Wenn Sie Radwege aus arschschmerzhaftem Kopfsteinpflaster auf der falschen Straßenseite und ohne Beschilderung bauen, werde ich die Asphaltstraße benutzen – und Sie können sich die Hupe in den Arsch stecken!

And here’s another one for big cities everywhere: Das stimmt! Park deinen vierrädrigen Todeswagen auf dem Radweg, du Wichser.

Anyway, we made a reasonable (for this trip and these conditions) pace northeast through Hamburg’s suburbs and dormitory towns. Lunch was in Norderstedt, just into Schleswig-Holstein. So we are in our final Land for this part of the trip! And it feels I could have cycled more, but there’s no point in going mad in this heat.

12·5 miles by bike to Leer: https://cyclemeter.com/3432aa395de1d505/Cycle-20220814-1029-88409, then by train to Bremen. Cycling total so far 145·9 miles

We needed to get a day in hand to be sure of arriving in Kiel in time for our ferry. Currently we can do about 20 miles a day before arse-ache, foot-pain, calf-cramps or blood-sugar stops it being fun. To be honest, I am pissed off with my blood-sugar for going suddenly low, despite filling up with low-GI breakfasts, or staying high no matter how much headwind we battle, then crashing early evening. Thanks goodness for half a pannier of glucose tablets and Clif bars.

Apart from a canal-side bridge which required some push to mount, today’s cycling has been fine. Very little headwind, no navigation problems, mostly smooth (dare I say Dutch-like?) tarmac and a coffee-stop just when it was wanted in Großwolde (Café Kuchenliebe Ostfriesland). If you are in the market for beans, potatoes and/or strawberries go there. Otherwise go there, drink cold drinks and enjoy a junior engineer-of-tomorrow playing in the sandpit.) This contrasts with yesterday: cyclepaths made of often-uneven brick, or staying on the road to avoid gefahrliches Berm or allergenic crops. Owwww!

So that got us to Leer. Now, why call a town ‘Empty’ or is it a bit of Frysk I don’t understand? (There are many!) Our plan was to get a train to Bremen, then take another to Hamburg. The ticket office at Leer was closed, along with much else in this sabbath-observing area, so we just bought tickets from a machine to get us from there (Leer) to Bremen. According to Deutsche Bahn’s website, the next train with bike spaces from Bremen to Hamburg would have departed around 6pm, dumping us in a huge and mostly unfamiliar city late in the evening.

• But according to the first ticket office attendant I asked; there were no trains with bike spaces at all today.
• Quick consultation with Elly, then try second attendant: there are no bike spaces on Sundays on regional trains to Hamburg, apart from one leaving Bremen’s other station (some distance away) after 10pm.
• OK, what about tomorrow?
• Buy a 9 euro ticket each: that will take you anywhere in Germany until the end of August, and buy a bike ticket for tomorrow. Trains are every half hour – get on when there is space!

So, all being well, we get to Hamburg tomorrow lunchtime. Then we’ll cycle to Henstedt-Ulzburg (about 20 miles). On Tuesday we’ll cycle to Neumünster (about 25 miles), and on Wednesday get to Kiel (about 21 miles) for the holy German trinity of Hans im Glück, Drogerie-Markt and Eco-Express Waschsalon – and our ferry to Oslo!

Our hotel is on a big square outside the main station. There are lots of people: a few obvious backpackers and other travellers, but mostly lots of people just sitting in groups, some looking down and out. A lot of people walking and drinking beer, and more smokers than I’m used to. One fairly inebriated bloke was hauled off by the Schupo* as we necked cold drinks outside the Übersee Museum. Cheap holidays in other peoples’ misery?**

Back to the hotel to flop for a bit, and then time for the first Hans im Glück*** of the trip. Now we are flopped out. It’s nearly 10pm and yet I’m dripping!

* https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schutzpolizei

** https://genius.com/Sex-pistols-holidays-in-the-sun-lyrics

*** https://hansimglueck-burgergrill.de

19·6 miles today: https://cyclemeter.com/3432aa395de1d505/Cycle-20220813-1035-77105. Cumulative cycling: 133·4 miles

What Elly said, with the addition that I slept for two hours when we got to the hotel. We then staggered to Kim and Kim for dinner. (You can see into it through glass doors in our hotel corridor but need to go out of the hotel to get there: Rauchenpause!) It’s cooler now, but still too hot to go under the duvet.

My legs are doing far better than I feared, but not as well as I’d hoped. However my arse is the main casualty stopping me doing the 35 to 40 miles per day we’d have needed to average. (Then factor in places to stay!) So tomorrow, we **hope** we can cycle to Leer, then get a train to Hamburg. It seems that there are plenty of trains but no bike spaces until late in the day. Ach wie schade!

We can faintly hear a Rammstein tribute band from the room. Here’s info on the gig: https://www.noz.de/lokales/papenburg/artikel/rammstein-coverband-voelkerball-spielt-im-stadtpark-in-papenburg-42717349/amp. I think I need to join CAMRA: campaign for real Rammstein!

24·6 miles: https://cyclemeter.com/3432aa395de1d505/Cycle-20220812-1127-40511, cumulative cycling 113·9 miles

Today was a good day, with stops at Hoogezand and Muntemdam. I’ve been quite dozy all day, so mile after mile of smooth path and little thinking were welcome. Having said that, the first stretch was very dozy: Hoogezand’s coffee got me going. By contrast, it was the last stretch that gave Elly foot-pain.

We crashed out for a while at our hotel, then wondered around Winschoten for food (Subway), then sat in the town park eating and plotting where to go next. On the walk back to our hotel, we encountered this: https://www.tracesofwar.com/sights/24236/Jewish-Memorial-Winschoten.htm. Unspeakable thoughts.

• Day 4 – train from Lelystad to Assen: https://cyclemeter.com/3432aa395de1d505/Cycle-20220810-1047-40536
• Day 5 – cycling from Assen to Groningen: 17.8 miles: https://cyclemeter.com/3432aa395de1d505/Cycle-20220811-1041-40101 cumulative cycling: 89·3 miles

There are two ways of looking at this, so I’m doing all three. We could say that the first cycling day was too much for our unpreparedness. We could say we’re on holiday, so we can do what we like. Or we could just say ‘wibble’ – I often do. Anyway, despite wearing padded pants over my padded shorts and chamois cream (I’d left off the padded leggings to let my legs cool), my bum was bruised. My right calf had responded favourably to deep heat cream at a stop – but not for very long. Elly may – or may not – write about her own tribulations. But I think the killer was the combination of a light but unending headwind and no opportunities for coffee. My leading us towards Dronten (our original destination for day 3) instead of towards Waterwijk (the only obvious break on the way to Dronten) didn’t help. So we stayed night 3 in Lelystad and, after rethinking routes and where to stay, we took a train to Assen.

We both think Assen is lovely. (So is Groningen and the area between.) As Dutch as you like (waterways funky buildings, oh-so-lovely tarmac cycle paths) but with more history in the architecture than Flevoland. (This is not a surprise given how young Flevoland is.)

So we spent yesterday afternoon in Assen’s Drents Museum, learning a little about Armenia, the Nebra sky disk, bog-bodies, and generally being on holiday. Yay! We also bought a phone-holder because the glue on my lifeproof holder had died. (The new one holds phones by their corners rather than a sticky pad on the back of the phone, so it will work with many devices.) 

I think we (and Drenthe and Groningen) got today right: about 10km to Vries, drinks at Onter den Linden, another 13 km to Haren, bean salad and cheese toasties and cake (there was a CHOICE of vegan cakes) at Verbeek and then a few km on to Groningen. The only issues were the my water rucksack’ hose detached itself from the bladder, causing moistness in interesting places, and the sun being so bright that at times I couldn’t see my phone to navigate. A little shopping was the first stop: I bought a new bladder for my water-rucksack, and Elly bought other essentials. (Ask her!) This afternoon’s trip to Gronigen’s library-cum-everything was a wee highlight. Currently we’re in Handy Wash because our cellphones were minging.

OK, I wrote that hours ago, and left it and photos to upload while we went for dinner. That didn’t work (I’d saved the text elsewhere, thank goodness) so here’s hoping it will this time. Dinner was at the Groningen De Baren. Burger and chips have pulled me out of the hypo I took on the way. Yay! We both really want to revisit this area to explore and enjoy more. Next year?